We had absolutely no clue how this would all work out.
Still don't.
But one thing I've learned in the last few months (if I didn't already know) is that it NEVER, EVER happens the way you think it will. I believe Sarah has a pretty firm grasp on that concept, but I am not particularly adept at "going with the flow". It doesn't come naturally to me. Never has. But as I've grown, I've also learned that sometimes we find peace in the most unlikely places... and though I am a chronic planner, a blue ribbon left-brainer (also right-brained creative type which creates much internal conflict), and the queen of unrealistic expectations, I seek daily to build strength in the places where I am lacking. I want to be more flexible. I want to be more intuitive, empathetic and present. And I want to be able to keep my expectation level at minimum potential for devastation. BUT the truth is, I have to try....real hard some days. And I've come to accept that some people just do. It doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me a person with a natural ability for accomplishing what I set out to do.. a natural born leader.... a catalyst for change. These are good qualities, but so is having a family, finding love, and enjoying the simple things in life, and it is ever a challenge for me to find the balance between successes.
When we moved out of our house, into our travel trailer, and began bouncing around the country doing art shows, I wanted to believe it was going to be that simple. I think it was that simple for Sarah. I mean, she's certainly had her moments, but she innately knows how to stay present. She innately knows that love is all that matters at the end of the day. She innately sees the big picture. She is a blue-ribbon right brainer and sometimes, I think i'd probably be toast without her. It usually requires a great inner struggle for me to remain in the moment. I don't know if it's because i'm a Gemini and I have two entirely separate souls living in one place having a perpetual debate, or if i'm just the most stubborn person on the face of planet, but most days, I have to talk myself into being happy. I'm laughing at myself right now because THAT is the most absurd thing I've ever heard, but at least i'm honest. I get up in the morning and make a conscious effort to conjure all the things i'm grateful for before my award winning brain hijacks my day. In a nutshell, I'm a crazy person. But I've come to believe that if I can find a balance (which i'm able to accomplish more and more these days), I am just the kind of crazy the world needs. I have a lot to offer, and I bring some things to the table. Problem is... sometimes I can't offer without wondering what I might receive in return, and sometimes I can't bring things to the table without refusing to share. This is a human condition, and though i'm convinced we all have to contend with it in one way or another.... my goal is to recognize my shortcomings, and be honest about who I am and who I want to be. The rest always seems to fall into place. The other problem is.... some days I can't be honest.
On thanksgiving day, I had a major meltdown. I had been battling a pretty intense bout of depression for LONG ENOUGH, and I was no longer able to pretend it wasn't happening. I had tried and failed. I had performed all the miracles I was capable of performing (which was NONE) and playing God had left me overwhelmed and defeated. I had bargained with every person, place, or thing imaginable. Okay, I had forced my will on every person, place, and thing within a 100 mile radius only to look down and find my feet were still right where they are. Because that's where they always are now matter how I try to direct all the actors on my life's stage.
BOOM! Moment of clarity. I can be miserable trying to run the show. Or I can push play, grab some popcorn, and shut the hell up. No one wants to be the guy who talks through the whole movie anyway. Believe it or not, as simple as it is.... I sometimes have to revisit very dark places to remember this lesson... similar to Groundhog Day, but the days are progressively longer. So just like that....I made a decision to be happy. Or I should say, a power greater than myself gifted me the grace to choose peace over despair. During the course of the day, I was able to be a friend to someone who desperately needs a friend right now. I was able to hear her problems and realize mine aren't even worth discussing. I was able to take a break from my own shit and serve the greater good of humanity. I gained an entirely new perspective from a couple hours of living outside of my own drama.
So in the wake of turning our entire existence on it's end, I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that I don't HAVE this. I am not in control of this. I will never find joy HERE unless I make enough room in my heart for the joy to grow THERE. I've learned that there will never be a person, place, or thing to satisfy my wishes. And that just when I think I can't do it, I find out I can. These are lessons I've learned a thousand times and presume I will learn a thousand times more. I can only hope that Groundhog Day turns into Groundhog week, then Groundhog month, etc. Progress... not perfection. Thank, God.
Another helpful tidbit regarding the way I function in the world is that routine is absolutely imperative for my sanity, my creative process, and my spiritual condition. It is equally as important as the freedom to feed my gypsy soul. BALANCE. I realized that when we sold everything we owned, I felt no attachment to the physical things, but I there was a certain dependability factor of which I was apparently unaware until it was gone. I depended on certain things. Certain things, I knew for sure.... or at least, it felt that way. Simple things like: There was a shovel out back if I needed it. The grocery store was on the corner. The concrete slab under my feet did not move. The fireplace mantle Sarah and I made together was the centerpiece of our gathering place. It was complemented by many of our favorite things. Every Monday morning, I would leave the comfort of my things, go to a meeting, and run errands. I would return home and put things in their respective places. Every day at 3:30pm, Sailor would go to the door to wait for Sarah to come home. Almost every single day, within minutes.... she did. We ordered pizza from our favorite place once a week. Vintage books were stacked everywhere. They smelled great and looked even better. We had arrived at a place where we had things we needed... like a battery charger for the car (we also had a car... a real live second vehicle) and a leaf blower. And though I honestly feel relieved not to be responsible for all of it anymore, there must have been some false sense of security there. Or maybe I was just comfortable... which isn't a sin. And mostly, I felt proud of us... and grateful we didn't give up when most people would have. That we were able to have a house and a yard and flower beds with gardening tools... and battery chargers, and leaf blowers, and a blender.... more than one set of sheets for the bed... plenty of food in the house. Eight years ago, we were homeless, and after an experience like that, i think it can certainly add a marked story to the most insignificant of possessions. I've never been much of a materialistic person, but as we've journeyed through this process, I have realized that those "things" were routine for me. They were, are, and always will be rather meaningless to my purpose here , but understanding that my human form naturally becomes attached to other forms is the best way for me try to remain more in the realm of the formless and to establish a new routine without those things. I will always believe that things do actually matter. If I didn't believe that, I would not be making art for a living. But I think we have to choose wisely the "THINGS" with which we choose to accessorize our lives. In retrospect, the larger our footprint grew, the heavier the burden. We aquired those things in due time, and we let them go in due time in order to live life outside our comfort zone......... because that's really where the good stuff happens.
All of that said... I have never believed our decision to purge is a mistake. I have never wavered in my resolved to try to give more to the world than I take. Tread lightly. Leave a small footprint. But i forgot to keep my expectations in check. ALL CHANGE REQUIRES TRANSITION. I am not perfect. Most people probably realize this straight away. It always takes me a minute. But i can be okay with that for now.
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