Self- Evident

Tragic.  Preventable.
While we're all busy arguing socialism/ capitalism/ marxism/ facism, and every other kind of irrelevant name-calling venture (like a bunch of 5 yr. olds)... we have successfully distracted ourselves from the fact that we are already foremost a society of sensationalism... undoubtedly the reason we argue at all.

We've allowed mainstream media,  the insatiable desire to be right, and the shameless idolatry of money to construct our perceptions and thus, create our reality.  We have planted ourselves in front of the TV and rationalized our our own involvement in thousands of horrific crimes by rhetorically uttering how truly sorry we are for such terrible tragedies....all the while pouring gasoline on the massive firestorm of sensationalist media and the vicious cycle of "news" it spawns .

We can and will continue to debate gun laws.  We can and will continue to have political discussions surrounding this issue, but until we turn off the TV, take back our own thoughts, return dignity to innocent victims, and choose to honor them by refusing to entertain ourselves over and over with the final terrifying moments of their lives, we don't have a chance for change.  This isn't a super duper, block-busting action movie.  This is real life.  But they have us on the edge of our seats like we just can't wait to see what happens next.

I, for one, have chosen to start writing my own scenes.  I stopped watching mainstream "news" about 8 years ago.  I am certainly happier, less fearful, and better informed, but most importantly, I have been able to turn the anger into an act of kindness.  The fear has given way to love. And I have found many other resources (largely consisting of authentic interaction with my fellow humans) to receive more accurate information... which renders more awareness in my own life so I can be a more veritable part of the big picture..   If we are obsessed with discussing the problem., how can we expect to find a solution?  If we are standing around the water cooler regurgitating the spinster's tale, how can we be having actual productive dialogue about change?  If we are more occupied with finding the way out of our own prescribed darkness, how can we be the light?

There is only one thing we need to know about the most recent mass shooting in Oregon, and that is it happened.  It happened.....again.  The fact that we have come to describe these events with terms such as "most recent" indicates a grossly disproportionate mutation of the status quo.  There has been great loss of life.  There have been injuries, both physical and otherwise, which will take lifetimes to heal.  Families have been pillaged by the villain seeking his fifteen minutes of fame because he knows by now that if the crime is heinous enough, we will make him a household name.  After all, few would ever know he existed if his legacy were built upon benevolence.  He was taught to strive for this.  We told him this was the way to get our attention.  We promised we'd make him famous.  We sat in front of the TV and gave him reason after reason to go through with it.

Here's what really throws me, and I don't intend to come off insensitive, but we all act like this is some type of shocking event.  I am absolutely not shocked.  I have sadly come to expect higher death tolls on home soil due to gun violence than other combined acts of terrorism.  I have sadly come to realize that until the collective consciousness rises against the outrageous exploits of criminal fantasia in this country, we will continue to be less and less shocked by such catastrophe, yet we will still gather around the TV with our hands over our gasping mouths.  And not that i owe anyone an explanation, but just because I'm not shocked doesn't mean I'm not heart broken.  I'm also a person who believes we should support more practical and prudent laws regarding assault weapons while protecting my father's right to carry a legally registered gun to ensure the safety of his family or simply to exercise his constitutional freedom.  We can be both.  We can support the right to bear arms and the need to regulate automatic weapons at the same time.  We can expect hardship and lament it at the same time.  We can be whomever we want and believe however we choose.  BUT not if someone is already doing it for us.

I personally believe there are ways to approach compromise (and yes, I still believe we are capable of losing our power-famished ego in order to work together).  BUT if we are all still drinking the Koolaide, we are all still operating by someone else's toxic label-laden, opinion-driven  perception of the world we live in, and no matter how hard we try to meet in the middle, we are still a nation divided.

Until we consciously choose something different... until we, at the very least, turn off the TV, walk outside and ask our neighbor how his day was... we will continue to see tragedy after totally preventable tragedy, and pardon my frankness (and run-on sentences), but we don't get to grieve it when we're the guy standing behind the crime scene tape with the empty gas can.  I may not be able to sway Congress today, but I can be mindful of who I allow to influence my own ideals.  I may not be able to find a cure today for the epidemic of violence, but i can choose healthier options for myself and those i love in the meantime. I really want to find a way to end this blog post on a positive note, but I guess Polly Anna and I just don't see eye to eye here....

We are all only accountable for our part.  But our parts are the nuts and bolts of the entire machine.  It only takes one faulty wire to bring down a 757.... 

The Only Constant is Change

We had absolutely no clue how this would all work out. 
Still don't. 
But one thing I've learned in the last few months (if I didn't already know) is that it NEVER, EVER happens the way you think it will.  I believe Sarah has a pretty firm grasp on that concept, but I am not particularly adept at "going with the flow".  It doesn't come naturally to me.  Never has.  But as I've grown, I've also learned that sometimes we find peace in the most unlikely places... and though I am a chronic planner, a blue ribbon left-brainer (also right-brained creative type which creates much internal conflict), and the queen of unrealistic expectations, I seek daily to build strength in the places where I am lacking.  I want to be more flexible.  I want to be more intuitive, empathetic and present.  And I want to be able to keep my expectation level at minimum potential for devastation.  BUT the truth is, I have to try....real hard some days.  And I've come to accept that some people just do.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It just makes me a person with a natural ability for accomplishing what I set out to do.. a natural born leader.... a catalyst for change.   These are good qualities, but so is having a family, finding love, and enjoying the simple things in life, and it is ever a challenge for me to find the balance between successes. 
When we moved out of our house, into our travel trailer, and began bouncing around the country doing art shows, I wanted to believe it was going to be that simple.  I think it was that simple for Sarah.  I mean, she's certainly had her moments, but she innately knows how to stay present.  She innately knows that love is all that matters at the end of the day.  She innately sees the big picture.  She is a blue-ribbon right brainer and sometimes, I think i'd probably be toast without her.  It usually requires a great inner struggle for me to remain in the moment.  I don't know if it's because i'm a Gemini and I have two entirely separate souls living in one place having a perpetual debate, or if i'm just the most stubborn person on the face of planet, but most days, I have to talk myself into being happy.   I'm laughing at myself right now because THAT is the most absurd thing I've ever heard, but at least i'm honest.  I get up in the morning and make a conscious effort to conjure all the things i'm grateful for before my award winning brain hijacks my day.  In a nutshell, I'm a crazy person.  But I've come to believe that if I can find a balance (which i'm able to accomplish more and more these days), I am just the kind of crazy the world needs.  I have a lot to offer, and I bring some things to the table.  Problem is... sometimes I can't offer without wondering what I might receive in return, and sometimes I can't bring things to the table without refusing to share.  This is a human condition, and though i'm convinced we all have to contend with it in one way or another.... my goal is to recognize my shortcomings, and be honest about who I am and who I want to be.  The rest always seems to fall into place.  The other problem is.... some days I can't be honest.
On thanksgiving day, I had a major meltdown.  I had been battling a pretty intense bout of depression for LONG ENOUGH, and I was no longer able to pretend it wasn't happening.  I had tried and failed.  I had performed all the miracles I was capable of performing (which was NONE) and playing God had left me overwhelmed and defeated.  I had bargained with every person, place, or thing imaginable.  Okay, I had forced my will on every person, place, and thing within a 100 mile radius only to look down and find my feet were still right where they are.  Because that's where they always are  now matter how I try to direct all the actors on my life's stage.  
BOOM!  Moment of clarity.  I can be miserable trying to run the show.  Or I can push play, grab some popcorn, and shut the hell up. No one wants to be the guy who talks through the whole movie anyway.  Believe it or not, as simple as it is.... I sometimes have to revisit very dark places to remember this lesson... similar to Groundhog Day, but the days are progressively longer.  So just like that....I made a decision to be happy.  Or I should say, a power greater than myself gifted me the grace to choose peace over despair.  During the course of the day, I was able to be a friend to someone who desperately needs a friend right now.  I was able to hear her problems and realize mine aren't even worth discussing.  I was able to take a break from my own shit and serve the greater good of humanity.  I gained an entirely new perspective from a couple hours of living outside of my own drama. 
So in the wake of turning our entire existence on it's end, I have learned so much about myself.  I have learned that I don't HAVE this.  I am not in control of this.  I will never find joy HERE unless I make enough room in my heart for the joy to grow THERE.  I've learned that there will never be a person, place, or thing to satisfy my wishes.  And that just when I think I can't do it, I find out I can.  These are lessons I've learned a thousand times and presume I will learn a thousand times more.  I can only hope that Groundhog Day turns into Groundhog week, then Groundhog month, etc.  Progress... not perfection.  Thank, God.
Another helpful tidbit regarding the way I function in the world is that routine is absolutely imperative for my sanity, my creative process, and my spiritual condition.  It is equally as important as the freedom to feed my gypsy soul.  BALANCE.   I realized that when we sold everything we owned, I felt no attachment to the physical things, but I there was a certain dependability factor of which I was apparently unaware until it was gone.  I depended on certain things.  Certain things, I knew for sure.... or at least, it felt that way.  Simple things like:  There was a shovel out back if I needed it.  The grocery store was on the corner.  The concrete slab under my feet did not move. The fireplace mantle Sarah and I made together was the centerpiece of our gathering place.  It was complemented by many of our favorite things.  Every Monday morning, I would leave the comfort of my things, go to a meeting, and run errands.  I would return home and put things in their respective places.  Every day at 3:30pm, Sailor would go to the door to wait for Sarah to come home.  Almost every single day, within minutes.... she did.  We ordered pizza from our favorite place once a week.  Vintage books were stacked everywhere.  They smelled great and looked even better.  We had arrived at a place where we had things we needed... like a battery charger for the car (we also had a car... a real live second vehicle) and a leaf blower.  And though I honestly feel relieved not to be responsible for all of it anymore, there must have been some false sense of security there.  Or maybe I was just comfortable... which isn't a sin.  And mostly, I felt proud of us... and grateful we didn't give up when most people would have.  That we were able to have a house and a yard and flower beds with gardening tools... and battery chargers, and leaf blowers, and a blender.... more than one set of sheets for the bed... plenty of food in the house.  Eight years ago, we were homeless, and after an experience like that, i think it can certainly add a marked story to the most insignificant of possessions.   I've never been much of a materialistic person, but as we've journeyed through this process, I have realized that those "things" were routine for me.  They were, are, and always will be rather meaningless to my purpose here , but understanding that my human form naturally becomes attached to other forms is the best way for me try to remain more in the realm of the formless and to establish a new routine without those things. I will always believe that things do actually matter.  If I didn't believe that, I would not be making art for a living.  But I think we have to choose wisely the "THINGS" with which we choose to accessorize our lives.  In retrospect, the larger our footprint grew, the heavier the burden.   We aquired those things in due time, and we let them go in due time in order to live life outside our comfort zone......... because that's really where the good stuff happens. 
All of that said... I have never believed our decision to purge is a mistake.  I have never wavered in my resolved to try to give more to the world than I take.  Tread lightly.  Leave a small footprint.  But i forgot to keep my expectations in check.  ALL CHANGE REQUIRES TRANSITION.  I am not perfect.  Most people probably realize this straight away.  It always takes me a minute.  But i can be okay with that for now.